I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
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