what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
