i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
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