I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize