Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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