am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Randomize
