Hot guy, man whore rep, huge crush, alcohol that will fuck you up. I fail to see how this could go wrong
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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