god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
Randomize
