Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
So many bounce houses so little time
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Randomize
