her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
I think i got beer on your cat.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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