I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize