My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
Randomize
