Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
