hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
Randomize