Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
