Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Randomize
