just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
Randomize
