Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize