what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
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