he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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