I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
