The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Randomize
