Need sex. Gaining weight.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
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