I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Randomize
