ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Randomize
