before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
i don't mind that he's uncut. i like it! it's like a little sweater!
a cock doensn't need a sweater! especially a skin sweater! wtf.
That's like some buffalo bill hannibal lector shit.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
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