Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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