I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Randomize