My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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