On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
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