Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
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