I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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