somebody snuck up and got me drunk
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Randomize
