Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
