Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
