So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
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