drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
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