This dress was meant to end up on your floor
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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