I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
