you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
Do you think there are girls out there that really do like small penis?
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
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