he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
