My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize