My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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