So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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