And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
