My cat gives me a boner
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
