I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
