good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
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