He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
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