Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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