That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Randomize
