I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
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