Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
