I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
