someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
You need Xanax blowdarts
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
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