if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
Randomize
