Incredible sex, Maddow, more sex, spoon, sex again
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
